Monday, June 09, 2008
Reflections = Confessions... Man, I'm glad I'm not Catholic...
I hate Reflective Statements!
Do you know how much effort I put into NOT looking at myself?
You know that's because it's not a pretty sight... positively ugly....
And before you refute that please remember that everyone has masks... for parents, for friends, for relatives, for different
groups of friends etc. ... It's a survival mechanism. It doesn't mean I'm a fake person or anything. Cuz each mask is also a part of me, just not all.... and, I'll stop with the defensiveness now...
And now I have to do it for an assignment...
and one of my character flaws is that if I'm going to do it I'm going to do it thoroughly - this is a flaw because doing a 500 word reflective statement has become a complete overhaul of my worldview - a psychoanalysis of myself and my motivations.... and after all I've done to avoid it too.... I'm gonna have to work much-ly to forget about all of it and clean up the mess after...
Of course, what I actually end up excerpting for the statement is not going to be nearly a fraction of what I'm eventually going to have on my hands (maybe one line of actual content, padded up to make 500 words)... It feels much too dangerous and invasive to expose pieces of myself to some maybe-not-so-idiot marker who doesn't know me and leaving myself vulnerable to anyone who reads it... I'll keep all control of and power over myself
to myself thank you very much...
I am not looking forward to tearing myself to pieces and giving bits of it out at all... and of course, with this stupid thing I have for recognition and that hunger for approval bit, having actually written something out on paper makes me have this bloody urge to have someone read it but then I can't. Have anyone read it, that is. Cuz it's too dangerous and intimate and IT'S BLOODY PRIVATE! and I'm still procrastinating...
And if I'm being honest, I know I needed to take this step and I could say they made me do it but I also know that even now there are many things about myself that I really do need someone to make me do. I've been doing this on and off for three days now... that means maybe 5 min a day... so I've only got about a page worth of crap...
(which I have to hide each time my mum walks into my room... and she wonders why I like keeping my door closed...) and I feel like feeling nauseaus - i.e . I wish there actually were visible/physical effects of the way a bloody paper soul mirror in my own hand makes me feel...
I believe this is how "troubled kids" start taking up cutting... *Note* rmbr to keep knifes away for the next few weeks...I'm quite sure I have Peter Pan Syndrome... Isn't that what they call not wanting to grow up?
If Ignorance is Bliss, is Blindness a Blessing?
Sometimes I see things that are not there
Sometimes I don't see the things that are there
Sometimes I see all too clearly but
Most times I'm just not looking in the right direction
Sometimes for the sharpness of clarity,
I don't want to see so I don't turn to look
Sometimes it's good I don't remember all I see,
and also not so good I can't remember what I've seen. Because -
Sometimes what I remember is what I want to forget
and what I forget is not what I don't want to remember...
~~~chrmystrlIn case you don't know, half the things in my head have been left unsaid.
Bet you don't know why I wrote this too.....
ok, unless like maybe you're a shrink or psych student
and it's your job to decipher this sort of half-msg-thingies....
I'm crazy. That's why I talk to myself.
This is a coping mechanism not a symptom.
And I'm being random again. And I'm rambling.
And, it seems the word "and" has become my favourite word.
~~~ I'm just so full of shit. ~~~Ok, it is the 12th of June and I have finally completed the reflective thingy.... So I come back to this post and just think, "I am
such a drama queen..." But it seems I was really angsting 3 days ago and this account was highly exaggerated. Must have smtg to do with all that depressing introspection... I didn't go through with the complete overhaul thing either - did quite enough of it as it is and then just gave up on it already.... I am bloody well gg to burn the "paper soul mirror" just so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands... Plus my draft sounds like a blog entry.... (maybe it's meant to - that's just the way I talk?).... the final draft sounds all chopped up though, cuz I had to shorten it to fit the 500 word limit....
Labels: Kvetch, Poetry, Random thoughts
mon chef d'oeuvre
10:45 pm
__Mary Had
2 little lamb(s)__
2 agnelet:
hey thr.....finally i m seeing it..sorrie went out wid frenz yesterdae!!!
Dun tell me u're being traumatised by writing a reflective statement...it seemed to me liek that...I m glad u r through wid it and an concentrate on otha stuff....
I truly enjoyed ur poem...Can I add it to my favourites, if u dun mind???
Cheers,
Jassie
Yo! Haha... you caught that? ya, the reflection was a traumatising experience... haha.... you know they postponed our class again? Now we start on the 23rd... :p
You like my poem? Thanks! Haha... favourites? what do you mean? watever it is, I don't mind.... :)
~ty
Give lamb to Mary
x Mémoire
