~~if you know me...
~~that's who i am...
~~if you don't know me...
~~you don't have to know...
...dependency... ...that's a feeling too, isn't it?
~~~~~~
...xx Mémoire
...xx Histoire
...xx Ami ~ (Friends) ~
...xx Papotis ~ (cbox) ~
...xx D'accueil ~ (Home) ~
Bienvenue à mon Blog Welcome to my Blog
Remember to tagpost comments after visiting!
Thanks and Enjoy!
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i do not know the path i travel.
i know not its direction.
i do not know where it ends.
nor know where i am going.
i do not know even, if i am following it.
do i even want to walk this way?
chrmystrl
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*Navigate with xx
Bienvenue à mon Blog Welcome to my Blog
Remember to tagpost comments after visiting!
Thanks and Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~
i do not know the path i travel.
i know not its direction.
i do not know where it ends.
nor know where i am going.
i do not know even, if i am following it.
Please, please, don't give me meaningless things... In the first place, I don't let ppl in enough for gifts to be meaningful...
I feel happier getting the things that I really want by myself, for myself... Cuz then I feel great that I got it, I get to choose exactly what I like (and I'm really picky) and I don't have to go through the whole awkward receiving/thanking/happyface routine... I'm really no good at the excited-reaction thing, I keep feeling like I'm getting smtg for nothing and I got no manners to speak of and don't know how to thank ppl graciously...
Show me a good time.... That's what means the most to me - the company and the experience.....
See, this is the deal. Honest real truth. But it sounds terribly rude. How do I say smtg like this without offending ppl? And how do you know who to say it to? It could be bloody embarassing. You never know if a person has plans or if they don't even realise....
Has this ever happened? You want an item and sm1 knows abt it and gives you one and then you know they expect you to be all excited and squealing-happy that you got what you want so you feel obligated to have the happyface cuz that's a bit like a payback for the giver.... but then it's the wrong colour or the wrong type or wateva but it's just wrong.... and now you can't go get what you really want cuz you've already got one of these things....
I'm crazy and paranoid, I think. Thinking abt this stuff gets me all nervousanxiousworriedjumpy... Actually, I find that that's the mood I've been in the past few days as the big day itself draws near... Normal ppl don't get panic attacks when they're supposed to look forward to celebrating... Normal ppl don't worry abt getting stuff from other ppl - getting stuff just makes me feel bad and that's not normal either... Damn, I really am subnormal...
Heh. I feel tough. And a little fierce... Was I fierce? See, I growl. *Grrr*
Yeah, I can do 'coldly polite' when addressing ppl I'm not happy with. I can intimidate and threaten logically and reasonably. ...And in a way that doesn't involve physical violence... or the cops... Righteous anger is on my side! Don't you mess with me! The angry letter is censored so that I don't scare little kids who come across it. Heh. Highlight with your mouse to read it. ______________________________________________________
Wed, 10 Sep 2008 08:22 PM
Hi Jxxx, I would just like to clarify, regarding the literature searching workshop for 13th September, Saturday, has it been cancelled or postponed? Since it has simply disappeared from the latest timetable, are we still required to attend such a session at all or at a later date? Please reply asap since there isn't much advance notice till Saturday.
Hi xxxtyxxx, I'll need to ask the planner this and get back to you as soon as she has got back to me. Regards, Jxxx Lxx ______________________________________________________
Sat, 13 Sep 2008 05:23 PM
Ms Lxx,
I am not sure what you think you should be doing in your capacity as an officer in XXX. Yes, our coordinator has changed many times, but so far none of our other coordinators have been as irresponsible as you. Acting as the student coordinator for our cohort and the liaison between us students and the administrative side of XXXX, when a student entrusts a query or request to you, even if it is not strictly in your job scope, shouldn't it still be your responsibility to follow up on it and make sure our needs have been fulfilled? It is not appropriate for you to simply tell us to ask Dr. Xxxx ourselves. The reason XXXX has officers like yourself is so that the director does not get his inbox flooded with mail from the students. Do you think that if you do not know the timetable, such trivial matters would be at his fingertips just waiting to answer to us?
It is Saturday and I have not received any clarification. Having informed you of the urgency I would have expected you to go to the student planner and ask for clarification long before today. Instead, you have comfortably sat back and waited for her to come to you. This is basic manners, as the one with a request on our behalf, you should be taking the initiative to obtain the answer and not waiting for others to give it to you. Even if the delay is on the planner's side, you should at least send some follow-up reply to me informing me that you are trying to help but the delay is not due to your complacence. Instead, you conveniently leave it until the weekend and take that excuse to go off work. I am not going for the class since there is no confirmation but I have definitely a bad experience with you. Coupled with the similar complaints from other students regarding your work attitude I have grounds to make a complaint against you. So far, I have kept these emails private but I can just as easily forward it to the class as well as the school.
I'm sorry regarding about the delay on the holding email regarding about the literature workshop schedule. The SLS dept has informed the planner to cancel the literature workshop while I'm not in the loop. The planner did not reply in the timetable and also did not reply my email when I sent your concern on this. In the future, I'll try to take extra measure to get the information from other departments in order to make sure that the emails will get to you on time. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.
The spider-momma is dead... curled legs and all... and half the babies littering the floor of the container... half are still skittering about tho... we are only gg to throw when they all keel over... too much risk of flattening the box and letting them out otherwise...
There is homework to be done. Group work to be discussed. Test to be prepared. And yet, I can't bring myself to care.
And I think there is definitely smtg wrong with requiring 10-12 hrs of sleep a day. When do i get to do stuff if my eyes are closed and I'm dead to the world half the day?
Here. I'm just bitching. Please politely avert your eyes (look away) from the train wreck of my life:
I shudder to think what my future working life is gonna be like. Wake at 7. Go work at 8. Come home at 6. Sleep at 7. Wake up at 7. WTH? This is totally NOT normal ok? I'm gg to have no life whatsoever between sleeping, travelling and working! What's gonna happen to my plans? All the things I wanted to do?? I'm defective I tell you! This model should be scrapped and sent back. What the hell is wrong with me? bleah... I suck. I'm never gg to start driving... I'll kill ppl, falling asleep at the wheel... That's lethal, you know. I'm lethal... Why would anyone ever put a weapon as dangerous as a car in my hands I ask you? I suck at life and I'm lethal.
This post is mainly for DH's eyes in response to her post on 19th feb... TY-DH: (Maybe you can read side-by-side your own post. It's a linear response. )
To read, please use your mouse cursor to highlight the post. (Highlight: Click, hold and drag - to the end, then let go.) If you are using IE, click on any word within the post three times and the post will get automatically highlighted.
Do you think, maybe, you can let me have one corner of your dark, dark room?
I'd like to think that I wouldn't get swallowed... Maybe it's pride but it's also what I choose... I'll bring glow-in-the-dark stars and we can count the pretty things together...
Ah, pain. Pain is healthy, did you know? It means you can feel when an injury is inflicted. Numbness like in diabetic patients can result in rotting limbs and amputation. That's bad. Pain. That's how you know you loved. That's how you know she played a part in your life. How is it a regret? If you loved at all, that love was there. Maybe you don't remember showing it often but the one who was loved knew it was there. And even before you loved her, she loved you first, did she not? Perhaps she knew you would love her too and if you did not would she not still have loved you? She was happy to love you, I think, even if you had not loved her. So, you made her happy, being there, to be loved. I think, you made her beam the first time you spoke, you made her clap the first time you stood, you made her heart melt the first time you hugged her, even as a toddler. You made her happy no matter what you did or did not do.
And maybe you forget. All memory fades after time has passed. What of it? Does it change the past that you leave it behind? Does it change the fact that the past happened? You are stronger because of her. You are part of what she left behind. Grow. Grow larger, grow more. And still what you have is based on the foundation not built by your hands, but at hers.
Was she wrong to have given to you all that she did? Would you have her be ashamed to have loved you? No? Then there is no shame in love. There is no shame in missing her. You feel shame in your actions? All of us feel shame some part of our lives. Sometimes, it seems to always be there. But we can try. We can change. We can start now.
This is a turning point in your life. Realising her strength. Why should her legacy stop once she is not around to carry it on? Honour her. Live up to her standards and surpass them. Wanting to adopt her armor, that's motivation. This turning point, it is the opportunity. In this time of reprieve, you can do anything. Because this is the invulnerability she conferred on you with her passing. Do you regret your relationships? Mend them now, there is no better time. Do you not think that maybe others are also grieving and in need of comfort? Be a strength in this time just as she was strength and support for you before. Have you not grown bigger? Perhaps you can offer the embrace now instead. No need for an opening, or the perfect time. After all, she cared for you at any time and not just when it was convenient.
Change is growth. I think, no matter the form, it will be good.
Supportive comments are welcomed and appreciated. All other unrelated comments should be posted to the next blog entry. Thank You.
hey gal, thanks for this post. it really gives me a different light of looking at the things i have been feeling. thanks for bringing in many starry lights to brighten the gloom.
Apparently, this is yet another broadway musical turned movie... Haven't watched it before only just watched this clip from it featuring the song "La Vie Boheme"... But just from that, it's so cool!!! The tango one is even cooler! Now I definitely want to find the show to watch!!!
Oh ya, have to put a warning... Sensitive material.... not for underage... (but of course, we know that just makes them more interested... haiz...)
First of all, he refuses to catch the stupid things when they attack me. Isn't that what fathers are supposed to do? Catch creepy-crawlies for their daughters? He'll indulge my mom's and my brother's hysterics over lizards but he refuses to catch c-*those* things for me. And when i say hysterics, my mom's really are. We get bloodcurdling screams out of the blue that make the whole household jump, no matter where you are in the house.
Now, I firmly state that I do *not* scream when a c- *one of them* attacks me. I squeal. Or shout. Softly. I do *not* wake the dead. You do not hear me from the next room. I simply run away to where my mum is and tell her that there is a c- *that* in my room. My Bloody Father not only refuses to catch them but spends the next five minutes complaining about me making a fuss. He says I scream and jump for nothing. AND JUST NOW HE SAID HE HATED IT BECAUSE IT WAS SO ARTIFICIAL. WTH? You complain I make too much noise. I don't scream and you complain I'm so artificial? WTH is that? In the first place why would I be pretending to a phobia I don't have?
I think the bloody things are disgusting as hell. They are ugly as sin. Those hairy legs and wavy long feelers give me the creeps. The flying ones are even worse because they're so mobile and have the terrifying potential to land in your hair. Just talking about them makes my skin crawl. Even the name of that detestable insect is hateful. I don't even like pictures of the thing. Like the one in my Pri 3 student's science textbook? Or the eyesore of a bus adverstisement for Baygon? I just try not to look at them. I let my eyes slide off or stop focusing and look at something else instead.
I don't understand why my Bloody Father thinks I'm pretending to be scared of the stupid things. You think I like being chased away from my precious laptop by a disgusting insect? So he refuses to catch them - one might almost think he objects to them himself(except that I've seen him catch them before) - but can't he just have the decency to shut up about it? No, he has to spend the next few hours harping on about "Just a stupid ** why must scream and jump about?" and telling me to shut up about it and saying I'm so fake. AND I've established, I DO NOT scream OR jump. I only apply a strategic retreat. He doesn't belittle my mother's fear of lizards when she really does scream. What's his bloody problem with me?
Grrarghh. Why can't I have a normal loving father who defends me from scary things? Where's my hero figure? I've heard that fathers are supposed to dote on their daughters more. Is that a myth? Or just happening in some other reality where I'm not included?
Sometimes when I see my old baby pictures, or the way he acts with the two dogs we have, I wonder if he only was interested in playing with me as a child because I was 'cute' then. (He's totally biased towards the younger dog and always scolds our first dog Princess when the small dog had been harrassing her in the first place.) Now that I'm all grown up I'm not a cute little kid to play with any more so all he's interested in is scolding me, complaining about everything I do, finding more things to pick on.
Sometimes, in my more charitable moments, I think it 's because he doesn't know what to do with me as a young adult instead of a kid. Maybe he even resents me for growing up too fast. (I was a rather bookish kid. Didn't play as much as I should have.) Still, that's no excuse for being biased. I don't like prejudice or narrow-mindedness. He does it a lot. Like with racial stereotypes and that sort of thing. It's so annoying, especially when it's prejudice against me.
Lengthy Warning: The following post is 'censored' the only way I know how. See, I'm actually talking about feelings here. Eeew. Yuck. I know, I can't believe it myself. I considered not posting it but that wouldn't be honest.(That's a total lie. Rather, I'm whining to an audience, but only to a willing audience.) This is the next best thing. The text can be made visible by marking/highlighting it but do not read unless you actually give a damn about me and my angst. I am aware that some people may be uncomfortable with such things. Upon reading there is no obligation to act upon this information but please keep all platitudes and comments to yourself. Do not come and tell me that you have read and have decided to not do anything. I will go nuclear on your arse. That means self-destructive explosions, taking out a -(Insert number)- mile radius with me.
This is different from how I usually bug people to read when I post. You really, honestly, have to be interested if you are going to read this and I know this can scare people off. (Yes... that's the whole point...)
~~~~~ Cut for uncomfortable content ~~~~~ I feel sorely under-appreciated, lonely, bitchy, and that no one cares in this world... but that's probably only about me.... Not that I've done anything of note or worth appreciation... I have a great command of English though, and that's just so wonderful you know? Makes you just want to put out fireworks and announce it to the whole world. Why not throw in a Nobel prize for the icing on the cake? I'm a soon-to-be-21 unattractive, sedentary block of flesh having a late identity crisis that most people should have already had in their teens. 20+ yrs of being a useless waste of space, air and food. Great accomplishment huh? I'm a coward, have no personality, an uninteresting character of no entertainment value whatsoever... like the Navy advertisement, only I'm worse than that guy. If my life were a movie, it wouldn't even be completed since the director and actors would have died of boredom long before the second scene were shot. I haven't got the guts to try anything new, always want to stay so safe, but since i never know where the boundaries are, I just limit myself more than i should. I'm addicted to the complete waste of time that is neopets; which just testifies to my total lack of any life whatsoever... before that, it was books, tv and fanfiction. It's just been one addiction after another. I think I may have an addictive personality... and should never be introduced to smoke, drink or drugs... perhaps even sex, since I've heard there's such things as sex addicts too.
One's 21st is supposed to be a big thing isn't it? Growing up and all that... Responsibility, being an adult, having insurance, managing one's accounts; all these are what turning 21 says to me. I don't have a proper job and I can't even use excel! What the heck do i know about politics? Voting? Bleh. The one person i thought would be around to properly celebrate with is out of the country.... I feel jealous of her that I'm alone this year... This hasn't ever happened before. I've always been perfectly content with my solitary life... I guess whenever you feel yourself immune to something, the universe feels it's its sacred duty to prove you wrong... Who would have thought I'd ever get this angsty? I'd never thought I'd actually grow feelings. I was going to be an emotionless stone my whole life, or so I thought...
I'm bloody rambling... I want attention... I want someone to spend my birthday with. I want someone to pay attention to me, just me, on this day...But I don't want to ask for it. I don't want to make people do something like that out of obligation; because I asked while holding the Birthday Trump Card. That's just selfish, isn't it? Like everyone has their own life, why should I require anyone to give a crap about my own pathetic life? I guess if I was actually interesting I wouldn't be that much of a hardship to spend time with... but I'm not. I'm totally boring. How does one grow a personality overnight? I've spent a lot of my time trying to be interesting and I've done a lot of stupid things that on hindsight I realise was because of this too. But I've come to the conclusion that charisma, charm, or whatever it is that makes you want to be friends with someone, just isn't something you can learn. Perhaps you have to be born with it. People ask out of politeness if I'm having any celebration this year. But I won't. No one would come. Everyone would have something on on that day. Even I, myself have something on. I have to do bloody homework on my birthday. If I actually had a party, there would be absolutely nothing to do there. I don't know how to entertain guests. Everyone would be bored out of their minds. I don't want to inflict my birthday on other people as a day of suffering through hours of insipidity. What's the point of making people celebrate you when you aren't worth celebrating? I see other people being remembered by their friends on their birthday and asked to go out to celebrate. I've even helped organise a few of these celebrations. But this year I'm secure in the knowledge that no one bothers to plan something for me or ask me if I want to do something with them, special, just for my birthday. I can't belive I'm getting lachrymal while typing this crap. I'm still hanging on to one last hope for an outing that one person sort of mentioned sometime back for my birthday but I don't think she remembers saying it or even knows that it means something to me... I'm totally stupid for doing this you know? I'm saying so but I can't help myself. Idiot. Moron. Retard.
~~~~~ Cut for uncomfortable content ~~~~~
Hmm. I feel a tiny bit better... Another round of fanfiction and I'll probably manage to forget about it. Mostly. Probably. I'll take an episode - or two, or more - of American comedy sitcoms after that. That should help. Yeah.
Random: I tried very hard to resist the use of four-letter words. I have succeeded. This is an accomplishment. It should be noted.
My dog bit me on Sunday. We had the agent over and he was waiting to take a group of viewers through the house. My dog does not like the agent. She started barking the house down and I was trying to get her to shut up before the viewers arrived. Of course, on hindsight I shouldn't have grabbed her from behind when she was so excited but I wasn't really thinking that much you know... I usually don't think at all - I'm what you'd call scatter-brained, I guess. So, I grabbed my dog's tail in my right hand when she was in an excitable mood and she jumped and turned round and bit me. I got her to let go and she snapped at my other hand, so there's a bit of scratch and bruising there, and I used my foot to push her away, gently, and lost a tiny bit of skin from my left foot for that. Guess I've learned that you don't grope a bitch on the butt when she's in a barking mad mood...
+++++ Blood and gore alert. +++++ ~+~ If you're squeamish, maybe you shouldn't read this part. ~+~ (mark/highlight to read following )
My right hand got the full set of teethmarks from Dog's mouth. Her name's Princess, by the way, but she doesn't really respond - don't think she knows that's her name - but we usually just call her Dog cause it's short and works just as well as Princess - which means she doesn't respond either way except occasionally and that's just to your voice and not the name...
My thumb got gouged a bit more deeply than the rest of the marks and wouldn't stop bleeding on its own while the rest were just sort of scrapes - skin cut, bled a bit but would close over on its own. I put my thumb under the tap and let the water run since I didn't want an infection but took it out when i realised it wasn't clotting and was still bleeding. Realised that the blood wouldn't stay and form a clot when it was being washed away...
That's when I noticed the way the blood was running out...
...I mean, it wasn't seeping like droplets from a scratch or gushing like a cut artery or trickling like a punctured vein, but it was sort of spreading over the surface of my thumb from that one tooth puncture that didn't look that big, really, just deeper than it looked, I guess.
The red just spread across the surface of my thumb like a sheet, not rivulets following the wrinkles of the knuckle as I thought,
...but like a piece of silk, smooth like cellophane, spreading out over the contours.
Then I thought, that's really nice, that red.
Beautiful. Like art. Blood is beautiful... I really think it is.
That bright red--- I ran my thumb under the tap again to wash it off and watched it spread again. So different from the darker line of blood running through the tube when I go donate blood.
My mom came over to see but I ran it under the tap again and pressed my left thumb over the puncture and asked, well, told her to get me a plaster. I didn't think it was a good idea to let her see it since she would only have nagged and made a fuss. (She gets jumpy when I'm holding a knife cutting fruit.) She wanted to paste it on for me so I let her. Only, it was too loose and not really keeping the blood there long enough to clot so i peeled off one end and rewrapped it more tightly once she left the kitchen. The gauze inside was soaked by then and little drops of red squeezed out of those little airing holes on the back of the plastic when I tightened it. I rinsed it off under the tap again and the water flushed out some of the blood from the gauze as well, tinting the water red so I stopped and dried the plastered thumb off on my towel, which was a bad idea since I squeezed some more blood out and got my towel bloody. Looks like I was having a nosebleed on it.
Later that day, some of the scratches that still had skin attached started to seal back together. I could feel little bumps at the edges of a few of them and one of them was a 2cm long line of raised skin. Another one, at the juncture of the base of my thumb and my palm, had a flap of skin, maybe 1cm long and 0.5 cm wide. It didn't feel like the scabbing over sort of swell and I thought that I might have some fur or the cotton wool's fibers trapped under it so I teased it the skin open by the edges with my fingernails and washed the hand under the tap again before smoothing them back over and making sure I got most of the buildup of plasma out. I got out a nail cutter and trimmed off the edges of some where there were bumps and cleaned off the pus/plasma fluid before leaving them alone. I also trimmed the skin off those that didn't have a chance of sealing back, meaning those that only took off the dead epidermis layer and were hanging there in danger of pulling the rest of the skin open. When I went to shower that night applied a plaster on the skinned flaps at my ma's insistence. The next day, monday morning I mean, when I took the plaster off, I found that the 1cm flap I mentioned actually joined back together with the skin along the edge. There's some redness outlining it but other than that it looks and feels like unbroken skin with no peelable edge. Slightly raised like a little bump or mosquito bite but the skin is joined together. I find that fascinating, like the blood. Makes me think about skin grafts. The body's capacity for repair and regeneration is really amazing, isn't it? The way a flap of skin actually joined back to the rest of it. All I can say is, wow...
...However, as interesting as regeneration is, I find myself going back to that aesthetic appreciation of blood.
Yes. I saw beauty on Sunday. The art of the living body. The flowering passage of blood across skin captured my fancy. I think... I feel... Blood is Beautiful... yes, Blood is beautiful in its redness, in its movement. Makes me want to see it again...
Hey, I was struck by a thought, does the dog bite affect my donating blood? cuz my next appointment is in about a week or two I think... Though that's not the bood I want to see. I want to see it spread, not flow constrained through a narrow tube... Whatever, donating blood helps a lot more people than my aesthetic appreciation so I'll contribute to that and when the opportunity comes for me to see the pretty red I'll remember to stop and watch it then.
~~~ Hmm... I wonder if this counts as a fetish? ...I'm kinky, aren't I? *stunned by this revelation*~~~ Signed, Blood-fetish!TY
my d has replaced the bathroom light... it's a different bulb... the old one used to be tube-shaped and fitted inside the case the new one we've got is big and round and sticks out perpendicular to the wall... and it's also much brighter...
_i just returned from ubi cdc... i PASSED my FTT this time so i'm not such a loser after all... proudly printed out my result but the stupid machine tore it so my result slip isn't nice and whole but torn in one corner...
~~~...rantings...(..may offend you... in that case pls don't read... if you already have, pretend you haven't cos i would most certainly have forgotten abt this in 3 hrs from time of posting..)..~~~
howhowhow???.... the ubin trip seems like only got 3 ppl confirm with me. _it's this week you know...so little ppl how to go? ...zhen... how can $120 compare to the priceless presence and companionship of your beloved 204-mates in a unique setting of pulau ubin.... such a rare chance to get together and get close to nature and these ppl......haiiii.... all just pang-seh me everytime...
how can we have a class outing with only4 participants???.... ....how can such a farce possibly be construed as aclass outing????
_i just don't understand it... ppl complain that we(the class) just don't get tgt anymore but nobody organises anything... then i purposely go and organise, braving nags and scolds from my parents, and i considerately choose a weekend and a day that doesn't clash with les' schedule, and no one wants to come and les herself can't tell me if she's coming even after thanking me for choosing the 9th in consideration of her other commitments..........................
what is this man? i don't even know why i go and do stupid things like this... nobody even ask me to do it and i just had to be kaypoh and do this sort of thankless task...
whatever... _if there are at least 7 ppl telling me for sure by friday, we go... _if not... sorry. 4 human beings are not enough to constitute an outing.... _i am ashamed to go out with a class that only consists of 4 ppl..........................
~~~...rantings...(..may offend you... in that case pls don't read...if you already have, pretend you haven't cos i would most certainly have forgotten abt this in 3 hrs from time of posting..)..~~~
x Mémoire
coded, at
21/2/08 11:18 pm