~~if you know me...
~~that's who i am...
~~if you don't know me...
~~you don't have to know...
...dependency... ...that's a feeling too, isn't it?
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...xx Mémoire
...xx Histoire
...xx Ami ~ (Friends) ~
...xx Papotis ~ (cbox) ~
...xx D'accueil ~ (Home) ~
Bienvenue à mon Blog Welcome to my Blog
Remember to tagpost comments after visiting!
Thanks and Enjoy!
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i do not know the path i travel.
i know not its direction.
i do not know where it ends.
nor know where i am going.
i do not know even, if i am following it.
do i even want to walk this way?
chrmystrl
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*Navigate with xx
Bienvenue à mon Blog Welcome to my Blog
Remember to tagpost comments after visiting!
Thanks and Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~
i do not know the path i travel.
i know not its direction.
i do not know where it ends.
nor know where i am going.
i do not know even, if i am following it.
I deleted all the links from my favourites and just to make it really really final, gave my 1 200 000+ NP away to my two cousins... plus my entire account really... ....the stocks, safety deposit items, plot prizes.... *sob sob*
....but, at least, at last, ....I'm free of that bloody brain-rotting addiction now... *sob some more*
...and now this means I got to start reading those online course notes since DPS is done and I got no more excuse to put it off....
Waaahhhh........I don't want to do it...... cuz mi study means sitting down and reading the whole book of text continuously for 3 days per book.... I'm totally killing off my "social life".... not that I'm all that social in the first place.... (-_-") but then it means I gotta stop my ff reads and anime as well.... *cries copious rivers of tears*
haiz.... it's just too cruel - studying for me means going cold turkey on everything that makes me tick, all at the same time.... *runs out of tears so starts heaving loud depressing angst-topped sighs*
*Lament of emo angst: (To be loudly recited with hands wringing and much clutching to breast. For best effect, volume must be of a level to be heard halfway across the state and a scented hankerchief, strong enough to knock out a rhino, should be used as prop.)
"Oh Cruel World! Why must you try me so! Would mind-numbing diligence be insufficient that you must take my joy in life as well? Why do you reward my industriousness with the withdrawal of the simple pleasures I have? It is inequitable! It is unjust! That the very act of industry means to be the divestment and utter privation of my petty entertainments. Oh, woe is me! Woe I say and I say again WOE!"
- P.S. The rhino strength is important. So is the clutching.*
Yoz! Wah, you suddenly update so much. Nope didn't receive email notification leh. But no worries. I like to blogsurf so I'll check out new posts when I drop by. :D
I hate Reflective Statements! Do you know how much effort I put into NOT looking at myself? You know that's because it's not a pretty sight... positively ugly.... And before you refute that please remember that everyone has masks... for parents, for friends, for relatives, for different groups of friends etc. ... It's a survival mechanism. It doesn't mean I'm a fake person or anything. Cuz each mask is also a part of me, just not all.... and, I'll stop with the defensiveness now...
And now I have to do it for an assignment... and one of my character flaws is that if I'm going to do it I'm going to do it thoroughly - this is a flaw because doing a 500 word reflective statement has become a complete overhaul of my worldview - a psychoanalysis of myself and my motivations.... and after all I've done to avoid it too.... I'm gonna have to work much-ly to forget about all of it and clean up the mess after...
Of course, what I actually end up excerpting for the statement is not going to be nearly a fraction of what I'm eventually going to have on my hands (maybe one line of actual content, padded up to make 500 words)... It feels much too dangerous and invasive to expose pieces of myself to some maybe-not-so-idiot marker who doesn't know me and leaving myself vulnerable to anyone who reads it... I'll keep all control of and power over myself to myself thank you very much...
I am not looking forward to tearing myself to pieces and giving bits of it out at all... and of course, with this stupid thing I have for recognition and that hunger for approval bit, having actually written something out on paper makes me have this bloody urge to have someone read it but then I can't. Have anyone read it, that is. Cuz it's too dangerous and intimate and IT'S BLOODY PRIVATE! and I'm still procrastinating...
And if I'm being honest, I know I needed to take this step and I could say they made me do it but I also know that even now there are many things about myself that I really do need someone to make me do. I've been doing this on and off for three days now... that means maybe 5 min a day... so I've only got about a page worth of crap... (which I have to hide each time my mum walks into my room... and she wonders why I like keeping my door closed...) and I feel like feeling nauseaus - i.e . I wish there actually were visible/physical effects of the way a bloody paper soul mirror in my own hand makes me feel... I believe this is how "troubled kids" start taking up cutting... *Note* rmbr to keep knifes away for the next few weeks...
I'm quite sure I have Peter Pan Syndrome... Isn't that what they call not wanting to grow up?
If Ignorance is Bliss, is Blindness a Blessing?
Sometimes I see things that are not there Sometimes I don't see the things that are there Sometimes I see all too clearly but Most times I'm just not looking in the right direction Sometimes for the sharpness of clarity, I don't want to see so I don't turn to look Sometimes it's good I don't remember all I see, and also not so good I can't remember what I've seen. Because - Sometimes what I remember is what I want to forget and what I forget is not what I don't want to remember...
~~~chrmystrl
In case you don't know, half the things in my head have been left unsaid. Bet you don't know why I wrote this too..... ok, unless like maybe you're a shrink or psych student and it's your job to decipher this sort of half-msg-thingies.... I'm crazy. That's why I talk to myself. This is a coping mechanism not a symptom. And I'm being random again. And I'm rambling.
And, it seems the word "and" has become my favourite word.
~~~ I'm just so full of shit. ~~~
Ok, it is the 12th of June and I have finally completed the reflective thingy.... So I come back to this post and just think, "I am such a drama queen..." But it seems I was really angsting 3 days ago and this account was highly exaggerated. Must have smtg to do with all that depressing introspection... I didn't go through with the complete overhaul thing either - did quite enough of it as it is and then just gave up on it already.... I am bloody well gg to burn the "paper soul mirror" just so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands... Plus my draft sounds like a blog entry.... (maybe it's meant to - that's just the way I talk?).... the final draft sounds all chopped up though, cuz I had to shorten it to fit the 500 word limit....
hey thr.....finally i m seeing it..sorrie went out wid frenz yesterdae!!!
Dun tell me u're being traumatised by writing a reflective statement...it seemed to me liek that...I m glad u r through wid it and an concentrate on otha stuff....
I truly enjoyed ur poem...Can I add it to my favourites, if u dun mind???
Yo! Haha... you caught that? ya, the reflection was a traumatising experience... haha.... you know they postponed our class again? Now we start on the 23rd... :p
You like my poem? Thanks! Haha... favourites? what do you mean? watever it is, I don't mind.... :)
First found out about him on Aish' blog, then I saw him again on Hani's blog... So I go to see him on teh Utube... And now you see it on my blog! Hehe!
I say, you girls got taste! *Muacks* Kudos to you!
I love how his every performance is different. Even if it's the same song it's sung differently each time... It's just, it sounds natural, you know? Goes with the flow and all that... He's like, the master of improvisation... Toca, accompanying on drums and backup, is really great too!
Sweet love of mine, You're the apple of my eye, My resistance crumbles before you
The lingering fragrance in your wake Carries the nostalgia of years gone by
I remember when I first met you In an unassuming guise Ambrosia, to me, made its debut
Though our meetings were few I anticipated, I cherished, I treasured
I made you mine This day of love St. Valentine's
Now evermore united Never again shall we part No longer unrequited
My Dessert, My Valentine...
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Burning with curiosity? Aroused your imagination? Intrigued by the mystery? The torrid romantic story of my love affair with.....
:
:
:
APPLE CRUMBLE!!!!! Food of the Gods - Ambrosia!!!
My first experience with apple crumble occurred in JC second year. (*Sob* I lost my innocence to this insidious, sinful food at such a young age... And yet it was too late... too late, I say! *sniff*) It appeared suddenly in the canteen, made by the aunty who sells the bread, pao and other confectionary. Mind you, she didn't make it everyday. Only about every week or fortnight, can't remember which. Everytime it made an appearance there would be a queue and if you weren't fast enough it would be sold out. She sold it in those little square plastic boxes, like those you buy sushi in, that were just big enough to accomodate an egg tart. At $1 each serving, you can be sure these delectable desserts were snapped up in no time. The perfect recipe, just the right balance of firmness and sweetness!
Finally, today, Valentine's day, I have fulfilled my unrequited love for this confection! I have managed to make it! My first ever baking attempt! Sure, things went wrong; It didn't turn out exactly like it was supposed to, but it is edible, it tastes like Apple Crumble, it looks like Apple Crumble, I say, I made Apple Crumble!
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First things first, I woke up (relatively) early wanting to do this thing.
1st obstacle: No equipment - Oven-proof dish, measuring scale, etc. 2nd obstacle: No ingredients
...That just about sums it up eh? No need to say more...
I had thought my aunt would be gg to fetch the tuition student and I could tag along to go ingredient shopping. --- I found out that the student would be arriving on his own...
So never mind, I went shopping at 6pm when she sent the student home, instead of early afternoon like I'd planned.
According to the recipe, the "breadcrumbs" for the top was equal parts butter, sugar and self-raising flour. I found out by trial and error the hard way that it was closer to 1 part butter, 2 parts sugar and 2 parts flour. (I got a truly disgusting mush on my 1st try; mixed by hand, don't ya noe?)
I got Breadcrumb Consistency on my own! By trial! No need recipe! Hah! Take that! I kick ass!
Used the new oven that has not been used before, ever. The thing had different settings and didn't seem to heat up when I was pre-heating it. Found out that it was because i hadn't switched on one of the three dials on it. Then the heating elements weren't gg red like they should as in oven toasters... This changed when the settings "heat from top and bottom" was switched to "heat from top only". And then, I narrowly escaped burning the thing when I left it to go eat dinner. (Quite late by the time I started, can you tell?) Left it to cool and went to bathe. When I cut it open later to try it, there was, like, apple soup at the bottom of the dish... water from the apples that got "cooked out"... I don't think it's supposed to do that. And the apples remained white colour when usually you expect to see browned apple filling. The apples were soft though, and tasted real fine so that's alright. Maybe it's cuz I did such a great job chopping up 5 green apples so fast they didn't have time to go brown. Hehe.(Maybe it's gonna get oxidised after i've left it till tomorrow.) It came out alright in the end after I drained out the water.
Yay! I made Apple Crumble! Now I get to eat it anytime I want! Cuz I can make it now!
Beloved! Our love is fulfilled! We can be together whenever, forever! (Are you creeped out by my apple-crumble-stalker-ish behaviour? Hehehe... Be afraid. Be very afraid... )
~~~ Is it pathetic that I'm claiming dessert as my Valentine? Sigh... ~~~
~~~ 21 years of... ~~~ I'm just a late bloomer! Really! I swear! There's NOTHING wrong with me! And don't you dare say otherwise or no Apple-y Goodness for you!
Worked through the night on this to get it perfect... or as near as I can manage... I'm such a control freak... Micromanaged the bgd picture manipulation, comments hiding, coding, div boxes - and haven't slept since last night...
At least I'm reasonably happy with this end result... truth is I probably wouldn't be stopping here unless I was... I know, I'm crazy. Seriously would have continued on the thing for two days... Can't stand having something Not Right...
Unfortunately, the bloody thing won't show up right in Firefox. It only works in IE... Haiz...
Working on my promised new blogskin has at least calmed me down abt the dog thing. But that story's for another time. I need to crash.
~~~ Sorry, but I couldn't do just sunshine so I compromised and did twisted fluffy instead... It's just, my sun needs the enveloping backdrop of space to be real... It isn't me otherwise...~~~
Changed my skin background today... cute ain't it? A little romantic melancholy with just a touch of emo.
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...It's been raining ever since you left... ...My umbrella still leaves me wet... ...Without you to hold it, the cold still reaches me... ...Only when you are here, ...I can dance in the rain and feel the sun shining... ...I wish you'd bring the rainbow back and fold the clouds away...
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Actually, I don't know how that feels. I just wrote that to complement the blogskin title... but it still sounds poetic all the same... I guess, I can imagine well enough... Though I'm sure nothing compares to the real thing, right?
Recent comments from new msn contacts I've added have expressed curiousity and bemusement at my choice of a screen name... apparently my usual sweetness and light public face puzzled acquaintances and they were unable to identify me from this assumed moniker... i admit, it's a remnant from my (past and present) tendencies towards overdramatisation... this is partly a bit of an explanation and just a bit of expression... --- it really doesn't mean anything... i'm just being a pretentious b****... ;p *cringes and hides in expectation of airborne decomposing organic matter*
All that lives dies, death arises only from living, death comes from life and life must be followed by death, eventually all life is death and death is from life.... Is life after death? That remains to be seen, but life is death, and maybe death is life... perhaps we live a dream in which we are all among the dead and life has gone before us. Are we living? The living question the dead and the dead know not their state of inanimation. Might they not be living another cycle of life in another world of death, thinking that is life? We cannot know. Who's to say the way we now live is not the death of another world, another dimension, another state of being... so are we really alive?... ...Life is Death...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * D*mn you! stop laughing at me , you purple monkeys! you don't see me laughing at your neon-green posteriorembellishments do you? * ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Product of a Literary Influence:
Alien haiku on the same subject:
--- / life after death, extinction in existence being, dying lives / ---
Tuuqalian speech pattern
(Alan Dean Foster is a very amusing writer. Love his aliens.)
x Mémoire
mezz, at
15/6/08 7:34 pm
Anonymous, at
17/2/08 2:05 pm