Friday, October 19, 2007
Feeling thoroughly sorry for herself...
Lengthy Warning:
The following post is 'censored' the only way I know how. See, I'm actually talking about
feelings here. Eeew. Yuck. I know, I can't believe it myself.
I considered not posting it but that wouldn't be honest. (That's a total lie. Rather, I'm whining to an audience, but only to a willing audience.) This is the next best thing. The text can be made visible by marking/highlighting it but do not read unless you actually give a damn about me and my angst. I am aware that some people may be uncomfortable with such things. Upon reading there is no obligation to act upon this information but please keep all platitudes and comments to yourself. Do not come and tell me that you have read and have decided to not do anything. I will go nuclear on your arse. That means self-destructive explosions, taking out a -(Insert number)- mile radius with me.
This is different from how I usually bug people to read when I post. You really, honestly, have to be interested if you are going to read this and I know this can scare people off.
(Yes... that's the whole point...)
~~~~~ Cut for uncomfortable content ~~~~~
I feel sorely under-appreciated, lonely, bitchy, and that no one cares in this world...
but that's probably only about me.... Not that I've done anything of note or worth appreciation... I have a great command of English though, and that's just so wonderful you know? Makes you just want to put out fireworks and announce it to the whole world. Why not throw in a Nobel prize for the icing on the cake? I'm a soon-to-be-21 unattractive, sedentary block of flesh having a late identity crisis that most people should have already had in their teens. 20+ yrs of being a useless waste of space, air and food. Great accomplishment huh? I'm a coward, have no personality, an uninteresting character of no entertainment value whatsoever... like the Navy advertisement, only I'm worse than that guy. If my life were a movie, it wouldn't even be completed since the director and actors would have died of boredom long before the second scene were shot. I haven't got the guts to try anything new, always want to stay so safe, but since i never know where the boundaries are, I just limit myself more than i should. I'm addicted to the complete waste of time that is neopets; which just testifies to my total lack of any life whatsoever... before that, it was books, tv and fanfiction. It's just been one addiction after another. I think I may have an addictive personality... and should never be introduced to smoke, drink or drugs... perhaps even sex, since I've heard there's such things as sex addicts too.
One's 21st is supposed to be a big thing isn't it? Growing up and all that... Responsibility, being an adult, having insurance, managing one's accounts; all these are what turning 21 says to me. I don't have a proper job and I can't even use excel! What the heck do i know about politics? Voting? Bleh. The one person i thought would be around to properly celebrate with is out of the country.... I feel jealous of her that I'm alone this year... This hasn't ever happened before. I've always been perfectly content with my solitary life... I guess whenever you feel yourself immune to something, the universe feels it's its sacred duty to prove you wrong... Who would have thought I'd ever get this angsty? I'd never thought I'd actually grow feelings. I was going to be an emotionless stone my whole life, or so I thought...
I'm bloody rambling... I want attention... I want someone to spend my birthday with. I want someone to pay attention to me, just me, on this day...But I don't want to ask for it. I don't want to make people do something like that out of obligation; because I asked while holding the Birthday Trump Card. That's just selfish, isn't it? Like everyone has their own life, why should I require anyone to give a crap about my own pathetic life? I guess if I was actually interesting I wouldn't be that much of a hardship to spend time with... but I'm not. I'm totally boring. How does one grow a personality overnight? I've spent a lot of my time trying to be interesting and I've done a lot of stupid things that on hindsight I realise was because of this too. But I've come to the conclusion that charisma, charm, or whatever it is that makes you want to be friends with someone, just isn't something you can learn. Perhaps you have to be born with it. People ask out of politeness if I'm having any celebration this year. But I won't. No one would come. Everyone would have something on on that day. Even I, myself have something on. I have to do bloody homework on my birthday. If I actually had a party, there would be absolutely nothing to do there. I don't know how to entertain guests. Everyone would be bored out of their minds. I don't want to inflict my birthday on other people as a day of suffering through hours of insipidity. What's the point of making people celebrate you when you aren't worth celebrating? I see other people being remembered by their friends on their birthday and asked to go out to celebrate. I've even helped organise a few of these celebrations. But this year I'm secure in the knowledge that no one bothers to plan something for me or ask me if I want to do something with them, special, just for my birthday. I can't belive I'm getting lachrymal while typing this crap. I'm still hanging on to one last hope for an outing that one person sort of mentioned sometime back for my birthday but I don't think she remembers saying it or even knows that it means something to me... I'm totally stupid for doing this you know? I'm saying so but I can't help myself. Idiot. Moron. Retard.
~~~~~ Cut for uncomfortable content ~~~~~
Hmm. I feel a tiny bit better... Another round of fanfiction and I'll probably manage to forget about it. Mostly. Probably. I'll take an episode - or two, or more - of American comedy sitcoms after that. That should help. Yeah.
Random:
I tried very hard to resist the use of four-letter words.
I have succeeded. This is an accomplishment. It should be noted.
Labels: Censored, Kvetch
mon chef d'oeuvre
1:17 am
__Mary Had
0 little lamb(s)__
0 agnelet:
Give lamb to Mary
x Mémoire